I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
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