hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
