Pants 0. Shit 1.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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