using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
