I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
