I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
