he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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