I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Randomize
