I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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