lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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