Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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