Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
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he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
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Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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