Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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