I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
