Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
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I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
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I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize