So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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