she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
where am i from again
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Randomize
