so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
