some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Randomize
