spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
