I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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