I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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