So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
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