When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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