Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
