i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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