Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Terrible idea I love it
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
