I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
