I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
