I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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