Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
