My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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