I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
