I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
two words...techno handjob
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I need a beard to bite.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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