I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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