a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
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