I need to stop coming to work sober
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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