using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
