i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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