MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
