the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
