also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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