Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
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Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
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I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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