My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
