I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
