apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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