My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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