Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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