Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
