I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
