I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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