if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
