My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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