he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
