I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
