I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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