im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
