my phone needs a breathalizer
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
