He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
